la_tante (la_tante) wrote,

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now that i've started...

i can't seem to stop. 

well, i guess that's not too awful.  i haven't really spoken to anyone all day so apparently i've got some stuff in my head. like a headache.

i just spent the last few minutes trying to get the cut tag thing figured out.  i think it was easier in the older days.  and i did find my old (funny typos owl came out instead of old) journal.  it's still there with no posts since 2004.  ah well.  it's better this way.  it was too hard to try to keep up though i still wonder about elizabeth and why we stopped being friends.  no fallout; just radio silence.  there were a bunch of folks i was trying to connect with around lotrips.  that whole fandom was so squickable but i did adore the fic.  and once buffy stopped being anything for me...well. 

i feel pretty anonymous here and that's a good thing.  i kind of want to keep it that way.  i almost didn't contact jessa just cause i think i might want to use this deeply.  but there's really nothing i'd hide from her anyway.  so that's all to the good.  so jess, if you've stumbled your way over here...hello!!  and welcome to my blather.  which i think i do rather well.  *pats self on back*

my friend elsa is going to see mary oliver soon here as part of the performing arts and lectures--that seems envy-worthy.  i do love her poems.

another wonderful thing about meeting enzo:  he hates mice.  from the time he was teeny tiny and was able to recognize them in books, he hates them.  i think he's so deeply connected to my mother that he has her fear of rodentia.  i know it seems kind of crazy but it's completely true.  she was terrified of  all rodents: mice, rats, squirrels--we couldn't give her the super cool bird feeder we wanted to because it attracted squirrels outside her window--and i believe that enzo channels that fear.  it's not the best legacy i suppose but it completely supports my sense that she's there with him.  i knew it the moment i laid eyes on him when he was just 28 minutes old.  a more wizened old man has never been born and he was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.  holding him on josh and jenn's bed was one of the most powerful experiences i've ever had.  he was so tiny.  his whole forearm was as big as my thumb.  and his nose was so much my mother.  everything about him was her.   and i knew she was there.  josh knew just a couple of days later when he asked enzo, "mom, are you there?"  he'd been holding him, enzo was kind of rolling his eyes around unfocused the way teeny babies are, and josh thought he looked like mom during a morphine addled moment so he asked.  and enzo brought his eyes around and focused on josh.  just like that.  like she was there.  like she had just been waiting for him to ask.  there are moments when i am so struck by enzo's resemblance to my mother.  he makes these faces and i feel like she's watching out from inside him.  i have that same feeling sometimes: like my face is laid over hers.  like the expression i'm making is actually hers.  it's the strangest thing.  hard to describe and very odd. 

i think i might be done for the evening.  hard to say since i've called in sick, i can stay up later which means i could write more.  or i could just troll for fic.  or i could go to bed early since i am actually sick and would like to get better. 
Tags: enzo
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