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 if you live in portland and you have the chance to see storm large's crazy enough, do it.  but be prepared.  it is intense and dark and funny and it will break your heart into a million sharp pieces that will continue to prick at your insides long after the show is done.   and all of you will find something in it that will make you go oh fuck that's my head, heart, life.  but for me, as a singer and as an orphaned daughter, today it was my head, heart, life that went boom.  i walked out of the the theater into the bright light of a gorgeous saturday afternoon, made it to my car and broke down into gales of weeping.   thank god for my brother who listens to me as i sob into the phone.  i miss my mom.  i miss the life i was supposed to have.  i miss myself.  i'm not sure that the person i am now is actually the person i was supposed to be.  but then the harder thing is that maybe it is.  maybe i am.  maybe this is all it is, and my rock and roll stardom is just a wee bit smaller than i hoped it would be.  and maybe it's not a maybe at all but just an is.  and all this comes flooding in from watching, living this show today.  not a shallow moment.

from that to this: we went to visit with a woman who was one of my mother's heartsisters.  she was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, and though the prognosis seems to be good, it is still a painful mindsouldestroying thing to see this vibrant woman who was such a good friend to us, such a strong friend to us, weakened by a stupid mass of cells in her head.  and it feels too close to me again.  too close to my mother's death (her fifth year of being gone is coming up--it's wood this year).  too close to more loss and sadness and grief and mourning.  and it's hard to be at a ceremony of celebration and support when all i want to do is lay my head down and howl.   so here is my howl.  god i am so sad.  

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
surreallis
Jul. 12th, 2009 01:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I can identify with a lot of what you say and feel, and yet it's all different too. So all I'll say is that you're not alone, bb, and this too shall pass. Eventually.

*hugs*
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
ah jenn. thanks from the bottom of my heart.
*hugs back*
gigerisgod
Jul. 12th, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
aw, hon, so sorry you're so sad.

i don't know that kind of grief, so i won't pretend to try, but i am thinking of you.
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
oh thank you so much. i appreciate the support.
shutthef_up
Jul. 12th, 2009 02:07 pm (UTC)
If this come across... trite, I apologize. I honestly don't mean it that way.

i miss the life i was supposed to have. i miss myself. i'm not sure that the person i am now is actually the person i was supposed to be. but then the harder thing is that maybe it is. maybe i am. maybe this is all it is...

You aren't the only one to ask these questions, by far. Anderson Cooper asks these same questions of himself, according to his book, Dispatches From the Edge. He talks a great deal about how the loss of his father when he was 10 impacted him and made him into the person he is now. While yes, it's about a lot of the tragedy he's covered, he also talks about why he chose to do the things he did.

*hugs*
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 05:59 pm (UTC)
no this doesn't come across as trite at all. it actually helps to know other people grapple with the same questions...it's why we blog, right?
thanks for the support, sweetie.
sinkwriter
Jul. 12th, 2009 04:33 pm (UTC)
I understand these questions. I just wish I had some answers for you. :'(

*HUGS HUGS HUGS*
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 05:59 pm (UTC)
thank you thank you thank you!
*hugs back*
hyacinthian
Jul. 12th, 2009 06:41 pm (UTC)
I can't really think of anything to say except I'm here for you. *hugs*
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 07:21 pm (UTC)
aw thanks so much!
*hugs back*
trillingstar
Jul. 12th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
Definitely not alone, and oh-so valued by so many, no matter where you find yourself now. *cuts you a square of sugar-free brownie* ::HUGS::
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
aw thanks so much, toots! i really appreciate the support and love.
*hugs you back*
fromiftowhen
Jul. 12th, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC)
I am so, so sorry. I am sending you the biggest hugs you can imagine. It is such a terrible feeling to miss someone so, so much like this. I love you.
la_tante
Jul. 12th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
aw pumpkin. thanks so much for the love and support. you warm the cockles of my heart, you do! love you too.
tattooed_lydia
Jul. 12th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC)
((HUGS!))
la_tante
Jul. 13th, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)
aw thanks punkin! i'm feeling loads better since lots of family time today---amazing what a few hugs from my nephews will do for my spirits.
beechercreature
Jul. 13th, 2009 01:20 am (UTC)
I'm not gonna say that time heals all wounds, because from personal experience, I don't think it does.

I'm also not gonna say that I know what you're going through, because everybody's experiences are different, but I have lost a few people who meant a lot to me, a couple of which completely ripped me apart at their loss because they were such a core part of my existence. I still get torn up every now and then.

Just know you're not alone, and there are lots of people here for you :) *hugs you close*
la_tante
Jul. 13th, 2009 02:29 am (UTC)
oh thank you so much. i know the whole time thing ebbs and flows--totally get it. but yeah sometimes it hits again and it's all just right there. thanks for the hugs and support!
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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