la_tante (la_tante) wrote,

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my heart is just broken...straight up.

i know i should be, well, not in this situation. i know i should be stronger than this. i know i should look at myself and see all the value i have. i am a strong woman with a good job (even if i don't love it, i am contributing), a great band, beautiful family, awesome friends, both in real life and here on lj. i am beautiful and getting more so every day. i have a great laugh and terrific sense of humor. i have style and panache and élan. i bring good shit with me when i enter a room.

and i still feel like shit that after a week of thinking that we were finally figuring out how to deal with some of the time difference issues and having some real conversations on the phone and texting like normal people or what i imagine normal people text like, he drops out like i have the plague or he has a wife or something!!!! i haven't heard from him since last sunday when he waited 3 hours to return a text i'd sent wondering where he was since i thought we were going to get to talk again over voip. i don't know what to do or how to respond except by feeling miserable. actually, i vacillate between feeling wretchedly sad and horrendously angry. i just feel so manipulated. and everyone i talk to about this has a different opinion about how i should react and what i should do and what i should be feeling. i shouldn't give him all the power. i should move on and find someone here. i should not ever talk to him again. i should just believe that all men are evil liars and never trust again. and all it is really is that the hope i had that the one true love that i've ever really had in my life had come back and was going to become the reality of my life instead of just the dream, has disappeared or is disappearing. or. he's going to email me and say he's sorry for the long silence because that's what happened two weeks ago when i was in the same depths of despair place that i am now except now it's worse because then i didn't have any sense of what he was feeling and after the week of communication, i thought i knew. and now i don't.

i know he's around. he hasn't gone out of town which is what he told me happened the last time because he's still posting periodically on facebook. so he has access to the internet. and i know too that he'd joined some dating group via facebook and flirted with someone and then removed it when i went back to check what it was. so though i'm pretty sure i saw it, i have no proof. not that it matters. he's in tunis fucking tunisia and i'm in portland, oregon. he can date and fuck all the girls he wants. i'm not celibate for fuck's sake. but don't put it on facebook for all to see. or me at least. and i think that's why he took it down. because he realized that i or anyone else could see he'd flirted with someone he'd met online. whatever. i don't fucking care. i don't expect anything of him except some communication and honesty.

good christ. all i can do is ache over this. i have a show tonight and miss anita did my makeup at nordstrom and it looks fucking great. and i should be fucking awesome but my heart just hurts. HURTS. like a little wave of pain will swell up and hit me in the gut and then i take a deep breath and it passes. but i think of the things he said to me and then the little wave gets bigger and brings friends.

i just want to text him or god forbid call him and ask what happened? did i do something? did he change his mind? am i dealing with some sort of cultural divide i can't possibly understand? is he just being an man and a fuck? i feel like an insane person!!! but i don't understand how someone can do this to someone else. especially someone they purport to care about or at least enough to contact them after 21 years. i am so confused and hurt.


i'm back from the gig which went. it was a strange, funny thing, but we had a ball even though my guitarist was cranky at the beginning since it looked like a disaster waiting to happen. and he'd given up tickets to see the black crowes (whatever, dude) to play this benefit. but we helped raise $500 for this charity school in india. so that's good. and then afterwards we went to a bar and had a really good time hanging out. i love my boys.

and i should be happy and content having just spent a really fun evening doing the thing i love most to do in the universe. and instead i'm checking his facebook page to see when he last updated--he only ever posts video clips usually silly, vaguely offensive humor vids and lots of political stuff in arabic which i generally don't understand. but i can see that he's been online in the past day, just hasn't texted or emailed me. i know there's little hope of a future for us, certainly now, if he can't deal with the communication issues at this point there's really no reason to even try to push ahead. and certainly i can't push ahead without him which is what i seem to have now. not him. and i think i get it, if they don't call, they're just not into you, so i shouldn't try to get in contact with him again. i should just catch this rather obvious clue. i probably already did too much initiating, but i don't understand what happened between saturday and sunday of last weekend to make him stop being interested in contacting me.

so like i said. my heart is broken. and all i really want to do is call him and cry. and all i want to have happen is that he gets back in touch with me. but i don't think that's going to happen. and i know he's living his life. and i'm living mine, and we're on two different continents for fuck's sake. but my heart is broken anyway.
Tags: life (the real one)
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