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October 11th, 2009

match dot bomb

every once in a while, i head over to match.com to see what all the fuss is about.  or the not fuss.  and i look through the 'gentlemen' who populate the 35-45 year old age bracket and live in or around portland.  and it bums me out.  there are some seemingly nice fellows.  a few who are intriguing looking, who seem intelligent enough etc.  but mostly i think, shit i live in the wrong place!  damn you pacific northwest!  all these guys with their kayaks and their mountain bikes and their ball caps and their FLEECE!!!!!!!  arrrgggghhhhh!  i don't fit into that profile picture at all.  give me a movie.  take me to france.  cook me a dinner.  read me a book.  ok i'll take a walk with you and maybe even a moderate hike but do not expect me to strap anything to my feet and head down any sort of hill. that will not happen.  

i've matched before.  i had a profile once or twice even.  but damn it if i can ever get any play.  my "friend" elsa says (she of the nordic 6' tall skiing body) having a match.com account is like having a part-time job.  RIGHT.  a part-time job.  now you see the reason for the quotes around friend.  yeah, mine's more like the 150 resumes you send out hoping you'll get one interview at that crappy accessories shop in the mall.  

i know it's not supposed to be about appearances, but it totally is.  and i've never had much confidence in that arena. my weight made that very hard for me.   i mean, i always dressed well and worked with what i had, but i've definitely not been the expected height/weight proportional.  and this makes a difference--whether that's in my head or the reality; it ultimately makes no difference as we apparently make our own reality.   now my body's pretty different since the surgery, 80 pounds off will do that to you.  i'm in size larges now and 14s are starting to get too big.  and sometimes i think, wow.  i'm beautiful.  which is nice.  but not all the time--that takes time.  you know 30 years of feeling pretty shitty about how you look doesn't go away in a snap.  

now i'm curious.  if i put a profile together, will it just be the standard disappointment or will things be different?   and given how much energy it's been taking for me to just do my fucking job.  god i hate my job.  do i really have the energy to deal with dating or being disappointed?  am i jinxing myself merely by thinking the vaguely negative thoughts?  why can't i just move to belgium, date maurice and forget all this stupid crap!  

and someone tell me please why oh why crap like vampire diaries is on tv when life, chuck, the middleman, and firefly are not?  WHY!!!!!!??????  see i know what's really important!  never you fear!

anyway.  friends are coming over for soup so i'd better skedaddle--there's jewish penicillin that needs a-warmin'!

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