la_tante (la_tante) wrote,

the science of sleep

can't fall asleep as my brain is too busy.  i need someone to hold my head and tell me to quiet down.  so it's 2 am and i'm posting.

my very best friend of my whole entire life, my freshman college roommate, the person i called first when i lost my virginity, the person i flew to california to hide with when my erstwhile boyfriend was being mean to me, and the person who then, cruelly and with no conversation or discussion, cut me off when we were 30.  we'd been friends 14 years.  just stopped returning my phone calls.  it took me a little while but i figured it out.  she was done with my drama and the challenges of being my friend.  and didn't have the balls or the courtesy to tell me face to face or at least phone to phone. 

so it's nearly 10 years later.  and i have a wonderful new best friend who has also left me this year for her life as a new mom.  no offense to any mamas here and, if you read my journal at all, you know i adore children, but when you're single and your best friend who's also single happens to get pregnant and then decides she's in love and moves in with the guy all within 2 months.  well.  it's a big shift.  for everyone.  but the single friend doesn't get much em- or sympathy.  because face it, i'm used to being single and motherhood well that's a whole new ballgame.  and piecing together a new relationship at the same time that might be fucking insane.  all that said or spewed,  i have a wonderful life with good friends and good family and all sorts of good.

and then the dearest friend i have left from college, who i was nearly as close with as to rebecca even back then, emailed me this evening with information from one of those stupid networking websites.  linkedin.  stupid.  it's like facebook only for business and grownup crap.  ick.  anyway she signed up with them for some reason, put our college in, and found rebecca was linkedin.  and she emailed her.  and rebecca emailed her back saying she's married with a baby on the way.  all this year. 

and since i read that email from sylvia i can't stop thinking about rebecca.  and how still deeply hurt and angry i am at her.  she broke my heart.  with no nothing.  just stopped being my friend.  and all i can think is that she doesn't deserve to be happy like that since i'm not.  and i'm composing over and over a letter in my head because i just let it go.  she stopped returning my calls and so i stopped calling.  well duh.  but i never told her how mad i was or how much she hurt me.  a while ago, sylvia told me that she'd heard from rebecca and r had told s that she was in therapy and talked a little bit about our ex-relationship.  and that i was right about her unexplained dumping me.  my 20s were a deeply troubled time and she was there for me for a long time and then she couldn't take it anymore.  she was already settled in oakland, good stable job, bought her own home all by herself by the time she was 28.  and i was a disaster.  part time jobs, singing in bands, deeply depressed, making bad decisions, getting in trouble.  and you know what?  even though i get it, it still fucking hurts and i don't forgive her.  not yet.  and in my more enlightened nearly 40 year old way, i'd like to be happy for her and be glad she finally has the house and the husband and the almost baby but i guess i'm not that enlightened...yet.

so even though my head hurts, my eyes are burning, and i can't really see straight, i've downloaded tonight's sga and will watch it.  and maybe i'll fall asleep during it and i won't dream of ancient betrayal and  grief.
Tags: diary, friends, past history

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